Thursday, March 19, 2009

ESPN's Pile of Money

Somewhere in Bristol, Connecticut, 4 men in sport coats are stepping back from the ledge, and calling their favorite escort service.  Let us travel into the world of the Leader in Sports...

It's 6:55pm EST, and it's clear that our early game will not contain Dwyane Wade, Ray Allen, or Kevin Garnett, and the viewing audience will be trimmed to Mario Chalmers' immediate family.  Things look pretty bleak.  I wonder if those rumors about pop rocks and cola are true.

And then Boston and Miami went into overtime, Paul Pierce decided he didn't need to fake an injury to steal the spotlight, ESPN aired a few extra advertisements, and it was good.

Now it's time for a sure winner: Rockets and Pistons.  But wait, what's this?  A nearly unprecented exhibition in shooting futility?  We're on pace for a 72-64 Rockets win?  That overindulgent schmuck Mike Tirico is going to spend a solid 4 minutes lauding everything about Shane Battier but his privates?  How far down is it from the 12th floor?

And then Detroit and Houston went into DOUBLE overtime, Yao scored 31 points between bouts of diarrhea, ESPN aired a double-few extra ad spots, and it was good.

Will TNT be as lucky tomorrow, and will it matter?  


Now, the quick picks, sans-theme.  No sense convoluting my already insane style.

Top Shelf!
  • Antonio McDyess - There's no way he's still available.  This is officially the final notice.
  • Rodney Stuckey - A lousy shooting percentage against Houston tonight, but his 21 and 10 night is tough to whine about.  With Rip Hamilton out, Stuckey should put up monstrous lines.  With Hamilton back, he should still perform at a high level.
Middle Shelf?
  • Jason Thompson - Like most youngsters, his numbers will fluctuate.  This appears to be one of those upswings, so I suggest milking Jason with all of your might.  He'll be solid for rebounds, defensive stats, and maybe some points.
  • Kendrick Perkins - He may lumber like a freakishly athletic zombie, but when healthy, he can bump and bruise with the best of 'em.
  • Joel Przybilla - Rebounds and blocks, same as usual.
  • J.R. Smith - It's about darn time J.R. accepted his rightful place as a 3-point specialist.  I'm still not convinced it will last, but if you're in a daily league, you can take a chance and use him against the league's most pathetic defenses.
  • Grant Hill - It does at least appear as though Grant is healthy again.  Unfortunately, he's now taking a large bite out of Matt Barnes's numbers.  With Leandro Barbosa hurt, both should provide adequate value in the high-scoring Phoenix offense.
  • Steve Novak - Maybe the best 3-point shooter in basketball.  Canned another 6 3's tonight in a rare Clippers victory.  He could potentially win you the category singlehandedly right now, as Novak has hit 21 threeballs over his last FOUR games.  Yowza!
  • Keyon Dooling - Devin Harris replacement factor.
  • Nick Collison - (Scratches head)
  • Kwame Brown - That is, unless you enjoy having your underpants yanked over your head.  Yes, I'm implying that picking up Kwame Brown is the equivalent of giving yourself an atomic wedgie.
Well, I thought perhaps we escaped the dreaded "off night" over in the Daily Wager zone, but it appears I was wrong.  Last night's break even effort was just a prelude to tonight's sportspick hernia.  My apologies.


DW said...

The biggest problem with betting trends is that the line makers also know the trends, and any information you try to pull from the trends has already been factored into the line.

Danno said...

No doubt. You are wise, young squire. Hell, I knew you were a smart guy the moment you took that 10-day internship and told management to shove it. Haha.

I also just felt Dallas was due for a poor shooting night.

How ill did Yao look during tonight's game, by the way?

Unknown said...

As you know, I don't speak basketball, so thanks for the token medical lingo! I should remind you, however, that hernias are no laughing matter.

Danno said...

Unless you get one from sneezing, right? I'll consult with TBS.

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