Monday, March 30, 2009

Heat: Jordanaires Remix

Turn your mental clocks back a few years to a thrilling time, when Michael Jordan violated the Washington Wizards roster so badly that Jumpman had to return to the hardwood himself, knees 94% filled with various fluids and pride 100% shattered.  There were a few highlights to that team.  One was, of course the nickname that the sports media gave to the team: Michael and the Jordanaires, due to the 11 non-Jordans uncanny resemblance to background singers.  The other notable highlight had to be the two America's Funniest Home Video-worthy ocular balloons exploding out of Popeye Jones's head.

My proposal for the night is to start referring to this year's Miami Heat by a similar name.  No, the Heat aren't starting a Power Forward that could appear at toddler's birthdays without a clown get-up, but if that team could go 10-72 without Dwyane Wade, I'd be floored.  In an herculean effort (reminiscient of Jordan, to be sure, though Michael would have won the game), Wade took 34 shots, and nearly pushed the Heat past Dwight Howard's Magic, one of the toughest teams in the league.  As a point of reference, Dwyane took 4 more shots than the 4 other starters combined, and only 18 fewer than the combined field goal attempts of his entire team.  Ladies and gentlemen: Dwyane Wade and the Back Burners.

Only 4 games on the slate tonight, so we'll go theme-less.  I'll try to make the rest of the player information doubly hilarious to make up for the lack of theme.

Definitely Worth the Effort:
  • Wilson Chandler - When a BAD game is 14 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, a steal and a 3ball, that's when you know you've made it.  I'll work on getting in touch with Wilson Chandler Bing's PR people to let them know.
Maybe You Like?:
  • Chris Duhon - He got thoroughly outplayed by Deron Williams in a point guard match-up that turned out exactly as everyone predicted, but Duhon is rested after taking a week off, and he'll generally get you 10 points, 10 assists, and a couple threes.
  • Mario Chalmers - Hit or miss, that's really the problem with the kid.  Every so often, The Superintendent (of the group formerly known as the Back Burners) will knock down 2 threes and grab 4 or 5 steals, but in between is dicey.  Not for the faint of heart.
  • Ramon Sessions - Like Chalmers, the fluctuating lines can be a bit nerve-racking, but if his teammates are making shots, Sessions can then get a little room to operate himself.  In such cases, 15-7-7 nights are more than possible.
Desperation Heaves:
  • Jared Jeffries - For some unknown reason, Jared Jeffries played over 30 minutes tonight.  Okay, the reason is known -- Larry Hughes sucks.  I know, I'm as surprised as you.  In any case, give Jeffries another look before you waste a roster spot.
Good news for folks in Oakland.  Jamal Crawford, who had been lost in the Castro Valley area for nearly 2 weeks (surviving on mostly berries and small waterfowl), located a BART terminal and will be playing for the Warriors soon.
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